


Drowning in the Blood of Biting My Tongue

by ShinyMew



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: A what-if based on Travis's comments on Talks Machina, Angst, Because that's how I'm living my life these days it seems, Episode 61 spoilers, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, POV Second Person, The Author once again projecting on Critical Role Characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 16:11:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18996061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinyMew/pseuds/ShinyMew
Summary: “I think Fjord has fallen in love a little bit with the idea of who this new version of himself is. And being vulnerable and telling people what your biggest fear is and admitting all the ways that you suck, in addition to all the new reasons that you really suck, it’s like one step too far. Plus, I mean, he gave it a day, right? He didn’t just up and fucking run out in the middle of the night, although I was on the razor’s edge of just tearing off into the darkness.”-Travis Willingham TalksMachina C2E61No matter what happened, Fjord couldn’t tell the them the truth.What would he do if his friends learned that he had become powerless?





	Drowning in the Blood of Biting My Tongue

**Author's Note:**

> What if Fjord had taken off after his nightmare in Episode 61  
> Inspired by poor Travis's panic induced ramblings on Talks Machina.  
> I may be making series of Second Person POV where I just project on these characters for several pages.  
> That's just how it be sometimes, eh?

You awaken, coughing seawater, to the sound of metal clattering near the bed.

Reaching around in the darkness, your hand comes to rest on the familiar hilt of your falchion.

 

Something was very wrong. 

You can barely hear Caleb’s sleep filled voice over the sound of your own heart pounding. You assured him distractedly that you were fine, everything was fine. Thankfully, you lied as easily as you breathed—easier perhaps these days. Caleb took you at your word and went back to sleep.

You can’t stop shaking as you try to will away the sword. It stays, the heavy weight in your hand so normally reassuring now fills you only with dread. As calmly as you can manage you throw on a few more articles of clothing, you boots, and the sword, slipping out of the room and into the hallway beyond. You attempt to call forth the power you once bent to your will but—

Nothing.

Nothing Happens.

Your powers are gone. 

Trying to quell your panic, your feet take you out into the streets of the town, to an alley nearby. Ignoring the pouring rain, you fall to your knees before a puddle, and attempt to change your face into that of one of your companions. Again, the magic does not heed you. You find yourself staring at your own reflection. All you see is a half-orc.

Weak

Useless 

_Orphan_

What could someone like that possibly offer anyone?

Before you know what your doing you shove yourself to your feet and start walking. The walk becomes a run, and soon you’re sprinting into the darkness.  
You’re not sure how long you run for but eventually you exhausted legs give out from under you. You lie gasping for air on the forest floor as rain pelts you from above. Thoughts swirl dizzyingly in your head as you lay there, unsure of what to do next. Eventually the exhaustion pulls you into a restless slumber. 

 

_“Fjord?”_

You jerk to awareness at the sound of Jester’s voice in your mind. She’s casting that sending spell of hers the calm part of your mind whispers, barley audible above Jester’s words and your resurging panic.

_“Caleb told us you went out last night and, um, you’re not back yet. Will you be back soon?”_

Caleb? Ah, so he wasn’t asleep then? Just like you, useless fool that you are, to miss something like that before leaving. You berate yourself as you climb to your feet and start running again. There’s a strange comfort to be found in your vitriolic thoughts towards yourself, the familiar feeling of being cussed out like the waste of space that you are. 

_“Fjord? Why aren’t you answering? Are your hurt?! Where are you?! Answer me!”_

Jester must have cast the spell again. She shouldn’t waste her spells like that, she can only cast so many a day after all. Despite the panic welling in your throat, your force yourself to keep moving. To where, you aren’t sure, but the eerily calm part of your brain is reminding you of Jester’s new spell, the one that allows her to find people and spy on them. You can’t allow them to find you. 

You don’t want them to see you like this.

It would be better to make a quiet break from the Mighty Nein, you decide as you run blindly forward. You’ll leave their lives before they have a chance to see what a useless fuck up you are. It’s best for everyone, they can find someone worth their time and you…Well, you’d rather face the pain of self-isolation then your only family telling you that they don’t want you anymore. 

You feel a strange tingle on your body, not quite the slithering magic of you patron but more like the soft caress that comes from divine magic of your friends. You realize Jester must have cast something on you and scramble to get it away. Your flailing throws you off balance though, and you topple over, sliding down a little hill and slamming your head into a rock at the bottom.

Your world goes mercifully dark.

 

“—ord? Fjord! Wake up!”

You are awoken not by a sound this time but by a sharp pain across your face. You jerk up and away from the source of the pain, crawling backwards as your mind tries to comprehend what’s in front of you. You see Beau, hand still raised, and realize the sharp pain you felt must have been her slapping you. She looks startled, as do Nott and Jester hovering next to her. Caduceus stands behind them with a look of concern etched across his face. Eyes darting every which way, you catch sight of Caleb off to the side watching you, expression unreadable. He’s frowning, and you are suddenly acutely aware that he was awake last night.

_He knows he knows heknowsheknowsheknows—_

“Fjord?”

Beau speaks, her voice full of false levity as she slowly stands up, hands out slightly to the side. Distantly you register she’s trying to make herself appear less threatening.

“Look, buddy, I’m sorry about the rude wake up call just now. You weren’t waking up and I wasn’t sure what else to do so…”

She tries to step close and you jerk another step back. She freezes but you catch a flicker of hurt dart across her face. You kind of want to punch yourself in the face for putting it there. 

“Fjord” Nott tries next, stepping up next to Beau “Let’s head back to town. You look terrible and you’re going catch a cold from being out in the rain like this.”

You can feel yourself shaking as Jester pleads with you “Fjord your hurt, let us help you.”

“No.”

The group looks as surprised as you are by how wretched your voice sounds. But like the flood gates opening, once you start talking, you can’t seem to stop.

“No, I cant. I can’t. I-you. Don’t you get it? I’ll ruin everything! You’re better off without me! Go find someone else and. Just leave me here to rot! I don’t deserve y— _Just leave me alone! JUST—_ ”

A strange but familiar feeling engulfs you as you scream yourself hoarse. Your panic has welled up inside until it’s blocked out everything, even the air. You’re drowning on dry land. You can’t breathe, you can’t _breathe_ , you _can’t_ —

A hand falls on your shoulder and once again you feel the tingle of divine magic upon you. At some point during your panic induced rant Caduceus had walked up to you. A strange sensation crawls across your brain, and suddenly you feel as though you’re floating, only loosely connected to what’s happening around you. 

“Sorry about this. I don’t normally like to cast this spell on my friends but uh, didn’t want you to hyperventilate yourself back into unconsciousness, you know? Come on, let’s head back for now, okay?”

Dazed, you allow Caduceus and the others to lead you back to town. By the time you come back to your body, you’ve been seated on your bed, with the rest of the Mighty Nein standing nearby. 

They must see the shift in your expression because Jester slowly leans down to attempt making eye contact.

“Fjord? Are you feeling any better?”

The Nein are blocking the door, you note with some dismay, though you’re fairly certain you could survive a jump out the window if push came to shove. Perhaps sensing your distraction, Jester wilts slightly. You hear someone heave a sigh before a chair enters your immediate field of vision. Caleb sits himself directly in front of you, trying to force eye contact. You still can’t read his expression, but his eyes are intense in a way you rarely see from him.

“We aren’t going anywhere Fjord.”

You start, eyes snapping to meet his. Determination. That’s what the look on his face is. The same steely determination he wears fighting down enemies. 

“I know what terrifying thoughts can crawl in to a person’s head when they feel themselves loosing control of themselves. I understanding wanting to shut everyone and everything out, the fear of rejection from those who mean the most to you. I won’t tell you to calm down, or to not feel those things. All I can do is say it until you believe mein freund. No matter what has happened, we aren’t going anywhere.”

You stare slack jawed at the mage. He couldn’t mean that. He more than anyone knew how important it was for everyone to pull their weight in a group like this. If you told him the truth, surely he would want to leave you here. You searched his face but all you saw was his fierce resolve.

_Useless_

“Caleb is right as always. If you could accept a crazy goblin like me, the least I can do is return the favor, eh?”

_Powerless_

“Exactly You are a dear friend Fjord, so let me patch you up. I am the cleric after all!”

_Pathetic Orphan_

“Everyone has trouble now an again Fjord. There’s no shame in relying on others.”

_Who could ever want someone like you?_

“As your first mate, it’s basically my duty to help you out dude. Let me take some of the burden, okay?”

_You don’t deserve this_

“We will not leave you Fjord. Not now, not ever. Please, tell us what’s wrong.”

_You can’t tell them, what would they think?_

You need to be strong, like Vandren always said. 

You open your mouth—

_Lie. Hide your weakness. You can’t let anyone see. They’ll abandon you!_

— And you tell them the truth.


End file.
